I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
