Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
