I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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