Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
