I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I haven't been this sober since birth.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
