his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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