I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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