Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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