You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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