Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
