Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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