Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
