I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
