Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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