Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
That accounts for only three of the penises
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
