my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
