I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
false alarm, still single
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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