They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
