During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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