You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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