He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
