please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
