I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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