its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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