So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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