Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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