woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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