I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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