dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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