Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
