the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Terrible idea I love it
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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