Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
