woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
