At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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