my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
