So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
