I'm laying in your front yard are you home
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
