Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
