they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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