Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
