dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
