You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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