just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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