my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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