wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
