I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
