my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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