So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
