Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
