cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
